You know the scene at the end of Tangled where Mother Gothel trips over Rapunzel’s hair and falls out the window to her death? Rapunzel, despite knowing that Gothel had been evil and abusive towards her for her entire life, still reaches out as if she wants to save her…
That’s what it’s like trying to cut my mother out of my life.
I know she’s terrible.
I know that everything she has ever said and done, even the things that seemed nice at the time, we’re all for her own personal gain and to make me feel as low as possible so she could control me…
But she is my mom.
And there is still that part of me that wants to reach out and save her from herself.
But I can’t.
I need to save myself instead.
I need to leave the tower.
“Child abuse is awful, it stays with you. There was something done to you that wasn’t your fault, and then you spend your whole life trying to put the pieces back together again. You also see these people responsible, go on with their lives and you just think, how unfair. They don’t have to struggle with this pain, day by day.”
“All mothers and daughters fight. That’s just how things are.”
Yes, some daughters and mothers may not see eye to eye. But that’s not the same as being manipulated, tormented, humiliated and abused your entire life by the one person that’s suppose to protect you.
“She could still change!”
Yeah, 26 years of knowing her and let me tell you, she isn’t going to change. She’ll pretend to, that’s how she lures you back in, but it’s not real. It’s a mask.
“It’s Mother’s Day/ her birthday/ a holiday!”
Yup. It is. And she doesn’t need a day devoted to her. I am not reopening the flood gates just to pretend we’re okay for a hallmark card.
“She’s your mom! She loves you!”
Mmm, she loves me because I’m her daughter and she HAS to. But she doesn’t LIKE me as a person. And the feeling is quite mutual.
“She couldn’t have been that bad…”
How do you know? What exactly qualifies as “that bad” in your mind anyway?
“But she’s your mom! Don’t you want her to be involved in your life?”
Of course I do. I wish she could be. I’m not happy that I’m going to have to have my wedding without my mom and all those other events that a mother should be a part of. But she will ruin them. And she’s ruined enough in my life up to this point.
“Some people don’t have mothers. You’ll miss her when she’s gone.”
I miss her now. That doesn’t change the fact that she is toxic.
My home will be a home with no loud anger, no explosive rage, no slamming doors or breaking glass, no name calling, shaming or blackmail. My home will be gentle, it will be warm. It will keep my loved ones safe. No fear, no hurt and no worries. I may come from a broken and twisted place but I will build something whole and safe. I’ll sing in the shower again, cook with a smile and dance in all the rooms. I will heal.
